ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
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Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
date: I think weâve actually met before
picasso: sorry Iâm not good with faces
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noahâs Ark and a Deep Fryer.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
whereâs Godzilla when we need him
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
some cats are just doing for fun!
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. Theyâll find us eventually.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? đŠ
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
The moderator on this âbrainstormingâ conference call emphasized that there were âno dumb ideas,â a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
4: âCan I say fuh?â
Me: âDonât…â
4: âCan I say king?!â
Me: âNoooOOOOOOO!â
Me recordaron Ă©ste meme
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you donât stop ____(verb ending in âingâ)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear Iâm going to ____(empty threat)____!
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
A magicianâs assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
english majors be like furthermore
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.