I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
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It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.