I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
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“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars