It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
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My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Somebody call the cops.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.