1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
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Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Thank you corporation very cool
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.