A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
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Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”