Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
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Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
When your best mate counts as a desk too
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
That was easy.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*