CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
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It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
#oldknees
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down