[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
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Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.