hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
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[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍