Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
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Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Double negatives are never not confusing.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
early stone age tool
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?