There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
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dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”