I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
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I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.