I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
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*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs