are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
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Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
OH. COME. ON.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more