Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
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Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’