Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
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love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Breaking news:
*praying for world peace*
God:
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth