Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
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Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.