WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
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It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
That time Alicia messaged me
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.