she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
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If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
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People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
thank god the sign was there
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth