Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
You Might Also Like
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?