SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
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“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
This pepper has seen some shit
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*