Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
“our sushi is very fresh”
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.