[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
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Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
All. The. Damn. Time.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”