Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
You Might Also Like
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
This is me 🤣🤣
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!