*cough*
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I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Not all heroes wear capes….
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.