“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
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Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Bobby pin
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea