I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
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If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question