seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
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[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.