This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
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Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.