The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
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Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
no one ever comes back
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
My biological clock is wheezing.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
britain’s three elite institutions
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.