You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
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Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
mathematically impossible
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
And they lived apathetically ever after.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.