You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
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I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
This meal prepping shit is easy
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?