Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
You Might Also Like
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer