WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
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Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I drew y’all a little something.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third