*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
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Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Breaking news:
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
“I FIXED IT!”
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust