“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
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Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.