[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
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[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
“Wait, let me explain..”
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Need WebMD
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.