Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
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The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
❤️🦆
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.