FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
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Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.