Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
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I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?