My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
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Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”