Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
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The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.