security at the airport getting more straightforward
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step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Always a housemaid, never a house.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.