I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
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Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”