I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
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Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
💻🤡
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.