ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
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Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.