I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
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“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you