I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
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Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I need to get some bricks…
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug