Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
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they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street